Well, looking back at my previous post which literally says I’ll be back, and then I went radio silence for many months after. That was quite embarrassing, either way, I’m not going to make any promises this time. This time around, there is a reason why I decided to come back at this very moment, and not a month later, or next year, or ever.
The reason I came back now is that I will need this blog to be my sanctuary once again, a place for me to organise my thoughts, rant and get some of the emotional weight off my chest in a “safe” environment, where people won’t really be bothered unless they are genuinely interested and decided to click on the link I will share through my various social networks. There’s also the fact that I can quite literally say anything here even if there is no one out there to listen to it, so its a great place for me to express myself through this outlet.
Now …. let’s get straight to the point, recently my girlfriend broke up with me, it is also one of my longest relationship, standing at a little more than a year, its not really something to write home about but those time that are spent together was and still is very valuable to me. I won’t get into the nitty gritty on what happened or how it happened, but what I will say is that – I have to bear some of the responsibilities for the failure of this relationship.
Now, why do I say that? I’ve noticed something quite peculiar after we had a small break before the official break up since she had to take some time off to think about what she ultimately wants. During the small break, I realised I had become totally dependant on her for all of my emotional and mental stress, no matter how small. She was the only one I was telling stories to and I basically stopped using most of my social network to connect with my friends. In the past, I would see this as something normal, something that happens to couples who are truly close to each other and treats each other like best friends, and possibly more than just best friends. Now, I see it as my weakness and tendency to become over reliant on my partner. This could also be the case with my first girlfriend …. maybe not, but that is a story of the past, and there is little point to try and reflect back on something that happened basically half a decade ago.
Hence, why I even came back to using social network and this blog to become my outlet …. its because I lost my only outlet that I had become over reliant on, my partner.
I think I might be rambling now, it still hurts to talk about this and my thoughts aren’t really as organised as I would like to even discuss about it, but that’s the whole point of this post, to put some of my thoughts out there and maybe help myself gain some clarity as I type it out.
So, why is the title “An End that leads to new Beginning”? Easy, it quite literally means that the end of this relationship may actually lead to a new beginning. A beginning of my journey to better myself, I’ve gotten a lot more motivation to better myself, to burn off my energy productively and start looking to the future instead of dwelling in the past.
You may think this is just self destructive and not a healthy way to deal with a breakup. To be honest, you might be right, but I was complacent when I had a partner, I felt like I had everything I would ever need, I just need to go through life with what I’ve already achieved, maintain my trajectory and everything will be A-OK. That could’ve been the reality, and the truth, but I will never know now, and there is no reason for me to be complacent now, this is the time for me to better myself and maybe … just maybe, I will then be good enough for my next partner and I may actually regain my confidence in myself.
I’ve even thought about the 5 stages of grief (which technically doesn’t apply here, but still quite usable), and I think if I had to place myself in one of the stages, it’ll probably be in between bargaining and depression. I am still willing to bargain and try to get back with her, I seem to always struggle with getting through this, it might be due to the fact that I believe in some of the crazy romance stuff like the hero and heroine getting back together because the hero never gave up, things like that.
Perhaps I should just learn to let go, and that’ll be the end of everything, and I truly am learning to let it go.
I will try ….
I will try …
Oh, and don’t worry guys, despite me referencing the 5 stages of grief, I don’t think I’ll ever be stuck in the depression stage for long, I rarely, if ever let anything get to me to make me sad for extended period of time, I love living in the moment.
I guess that’ll do for today, I hope I will continue to blog this time around and not just do things on a whim again.
Hopefully, next time I will have something happy to talk about, maybe I’ll just do another “Keeping up with the Amos” type post and tell you guys what changed between my last post and this post.