An End that leads to new Beginnings

Well, looking back at my previous post which literally says I’ll be back, and then I went radio silence for many months after. That was quite embarrassing, either way, I’m not going to make any promises this time. This time around, there is a reason why I decided to come back at this very moment, and not a month later, or next year, or ever.

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The reason I came back now is that I will need this blog to be my sanctuary once again, a place for me to organise my thoughts, rant and get some of the emotional weight off my chest in a “safe” environment, where people won’t really be bothered unless they are genuinely interested and decided to click on the link I will share through my various social networks. There’s also the fact that I can quite literally say anything here even if there is no one out there to listen to it, so its a great place for me to express myself through this outlet.

Now …. let’s get straight to the point, recently my girlfriend broke up with me, it is also one of my longest relationship, standing at a little more than a year, its not really something to write home about but those time that are spent together was and still is very valuable to me. I won’t get into the nitty gritty on what happened or how it happened, but what I will say is that – I have to bear some of the responsibilities for the failure of this relationship.

Now, why do I say that? I’ve noticed something quite peculiar after we had a small break before the official break up since she had to take some time off to think about what she ultimately wants. During the small break, I realised I had become totally dependant on her for all of my emotional and mental stress, no matter how small. She was the only one I was telling stories to and I basically stopped using most of my social network to connect with my friends. In the past, I would see this as something normal, something that happens to couples who are truly close to each other and treats each other like best friends, and possibly more than just best friends. Now, I see it as my weakness and tendency to become over reliant on my partner. This could also be the case with my first girlfriend …. maybe not, but that is a story of the past, and there is little point to try and reflect back on something that happened basically half a decade ago.

Hence, why I even came back to using social network and this blog to become my outlet …. its because I lost my only outlet that I had become over reliant on, my partner.

I think I might be rambling now, it still hurts to talk about this and my thoughts aren’t really as organised as I would like to even discuss about it, but that’s the whole point of this post, to put some of my thoughts out there and maybe help myself gain some clarity as I type it out.

So, why is the title “An End that leads to new Beginning”? Easy, it quite literally means that the end of this relationship may actually lead to a new beginning. A beginning of my journey to better myself, I’ve gotten a lot more motivation to better myself, to burn off my energy productively and start looking to the future instead of dwelling in the past.

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You may think this is just self destructive and not a healthy way to deal with a breakup. To be honest, you might be right, but I was complacent when I had a partner, I felt like I had everything I would ever need, I just need to go through life with what I’ve already achieved, maintain my trajectory and everything will be A-OK. That could’ve been the reality, and the truth, but I will never know now, and there is no reason for me to be complacent now, this is the time for me to better myself and maybe … just maybe, I will then be good enough for my next partner and I may actually regain my confidence in myself.

I’ve even thought about the 5 stages of grief (which technically doesn’t apply here, but still quite usable), and I think if I had to place myself in one of the stages, it’ll probably be in between bargaining and depression. I am still willing to bargain and try to get back with her, I seem to always struggle with getting through this, it might be due to the fact that I believe in some of the crazy romance stuff like the hero and heroine getting back together because the hero never gave up, things like that.

Perhaps I should just learn to let go, and that’ll be the end of everything, and I truly am learning to let it go.

I will try ….

I will try …

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“Do or do not, there is no try ” intensifies!!!

Oh, and don’t worry guys, despite me referencing the 5 stages of grief, I don’t think I’ll ever be stuck in the depression stage for long, I rarely, if ever let anything get to me to make me sad for extended period of time, I love living in the moment.

I guess that’ll do for today, I hope I will continue to blog this time around and not just do things on a whim again.

Hopefully, next time I will have something happy to talk about, maybe I’ll just do another “Keeping up with the Amos” type post and tell you guys what changed between my last post and this post.

 

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I’m back!

*Dramatic Entrance*

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I’m backkkkkk!!
This time, I’m back with lots of fresh new idea!

This time, I’m stronger! I’m Faster! I’m better!

*ahem*

Anyways, after my sudden disappearance similarly to how Haruhi Suzumiya suddenly disappeared. I’m now back to blogging and what better way to start back than to explain what happened during my disappearance from the blogging world.

Well, plenty of stuff happened that occupied what little time I have left for myself. I seriously thought I could stick with a weekly schedule a little better but I guess my time management skill still sucks. Anyways, what happened was the usual stuff that could occur to a final year diploma student – finals, assignment, internship and crippling depression. One of those aren’t true, but I’ll let you guess which one is it on your own.

So, now that I’m a full time NEET, I can really focus on delivering content which I’ve designed to best fit my personal style.

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The artist Alde Hyde illustrates life of a Neet. source: https://twitter.com/alde_hyde/status/820783548080668672

Firstly, I’ll have a new column where I ‘react’ to other articles. Obviously, the articles I’ll be reacting to are things I have a strong opinion on. These article would most likely be something from Buzzfeed and Thoughtcatalog. I’ll mostly react on the things that people share online to make themselves feel more “refined” and “cultured”.

Next, I’ll also have another column where I will judge some of the pictures I took and also discuss about some of the editing choices I made. Hopefully, this will be a place for me to refine my skills and let others comment on my photos as well.

Besides those that I mentioned, maybe I would even do some podcast. Perhaps I’ll talk about some topics that are easy and fun that are related to geek culture? Either way, this isn’t set it stone yet, and I’ll still be doing some of these random blog post where I talk about things that’s happening in my daily life or just things I want to talk about in general like politics and the such.

Hopefully you guys will continue to support me if I’m interesting enough for you to follow, if not, maybe you can give me some hateful yet constructive message. As long as its constructive.

 

 

Conflicting with myself

There are too many times I want to talk about something. I type out a bunch of stuff, and towards the end, I realised the flaws in my logic. I proceed to hold “backspace” and delete everything, then move on to the next topic. Either that, or during proofreading, I decided to not post it unless my “mood” comes back. I am doing all these because I’m afraid of how others will think of me. As much as I try to be more honest with myself, and to practice opening up myself more, in the end, I kept censoring myself, never ever totally exposing myself.

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Why do we do this? censoring our own thoughts to fit in with the big picture. We always try and play the role others see us as.
You’re the leader type? You should never show weakness.
You’re seen as a gentle person? You should never show your wrath.

I don’t know how others see me, but whenever I delete a post that I had almost completed, it’s usually because the post do not reflect my internalised perception of myself. I could see myself as a badass, when in reality I am just a soft guy. This is why I personally feel that any art form created by people tells us so much more than words spoken. The art contains a little of their soul in their work.

Perhaps that is why most people prefer to keep their blog, art, or anything they created a secret. The quiet looking girl in the library could be a heavy metal fan that shreds guitar in her free time, but no one would ever know because it doesn’t fit her “image”. I think this is quite similar to my situation. I try my very best to be the best person I can be….. Then as I write some of the stuff down, I feel like I can be rather cynical, an asshole and sometimes, even sound like an entitled little prick. I wouldn’t want to be that guy, at all! Hence, the censoring of myself.

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I guess the only way around this is to embrace whatever I type, without fear of being judged. After all, my close friends would know better and not judge me solely on one short article I wrote.

I tried many times to just go “fuck it” and hit “publish” but I never brought myself to do it. I guess I’ll have to slowly learn how to be a more confident blogger….

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If only I could shout my innermost thought out like this guy XD

 

 

 

 

Mediocrity, never more, never less

I tweeted these the other day.

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Excuse my grammar errors, it was 2am in the morning then.

I’ve always had the drive to do better. It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be something athletic, something academic or even something as simple as the act of speech itself. There’s something very satisfying about improving your craft and skills no matter how insignificant the skill may seem to be.

However, I’m never the best at anything even when I’m actually trying to be the best among my peers. During my primary school days, badminton was all the rage in my school. But as mentioned in the tweet, I find myself facing a brick wall soon after I got really into the sport. I’m not by far the worst player, neither am I close to being the best player among my peers. I’m just ….. mediocre, slightly above average.

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Besides badminton, I got into a bunch of hobbies during my younger days, I was into Yo-Yo for some time, and I can proudly say I am one of the best in the class but that’s because no one else was actually trying, it was a competition I won without a fight. Same goes with Maplestory and Mini 4 wheel drive. (Yeah, my childhood was filled with all kinds of toys)

Fast forward to recent days of middle and high school. I’m no good in drawing, singing nor anything atheletic, so naturally I was drawn into something I’ve already spent countless hours on, gaming. Online games wasn’t really a thing for me in the past since my computer and internet was pretty crappy. Soon, I found out this magical place called the internet cafe. That’s where many Dota, Call of Duty, Heroes of Newearth and League of legends matches were held.

If the number of titles mentioned didn’t already tell you, I played with and against my friends frequently in the Internet Cafe and to no surprise, I’m nowhere near the best nor am I the worst among my peers. To make matters worst, I actually spent a lot of time in League of Legends, sparking many arguments with my parents regarding my so called “Gaming Addiction” in the process.

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How I look in the eyes of my parents

At some point, my mediocrity seems quite apparent to me. I’ve never gotten first place in anything, nor am I the go – to guy that people call out to when they ask questions like “Who do you think is the best in so and so”.

I’m like the average character in a video game that is quite good in everything but never excels in anything. The character that is good for beginners but never good enough for experts.

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Ryu, while some pro gamers use him, is regarded as an average character that beginners should start with.

I remember discussing about childhood toys with my friend, Nathalie. So I mentioned about Rubik’s cube, Yo-yo, Pokemon cards and so on. To which she replied how her childhood was just Piano and books and wasn’t surrounded with all kinds of different toys. I remember feeling slightly envious that she only had her piano since she actually has something to show for on the piano while I got nothing to show for on those toys I spent countless hours on. That is, unless you want to see my “awesome knowledge” on Yo-Yos and Rubik’s cube.

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The toys of a much simpler time….

I relate to a proverb extremely well, “Jack of all trades, but master of none”. I personally see this as a negative trait instead of one I should feel proud of. In the 21st century, we don’t pay people to do ten things well, we pay people to do one thing perfectly. Hence the term “YOU HAD ONE JOB!”.

On a more cheerful note, I’ve tried to come to terms with my mediocrity and tried to see the bright side of things. For starters, the mentioned proverb has an alternative phrasing, which is – “Jack of all trades, master of none is oftentimes better than master of one.” I’m not sure how true that is, but I can see how someone that is average in many skills to do better than someone who is only good at one thing.

Moving on, I found my ability to be relatively well versed in many topics to help boost my ability to relate with many people.
As Saiga Jouji from Psycho Pass say, “Charisma has three points. The nature of a hero or prophet, the ability to simply make you feel good when you’re around them, and the intelligence to eloquently talk about all sorts of things.”

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Let me just promote Psycho Pass for a bit …. one of my favourite anime.

I think I can somewhat talk about all sorts of things eloquently. (Hahahah, I feel so vain, praising myself.)

I’ve also come to the conclusion that the fact that I see people being better than me means that I am also able to see my inability in a certain skill. In a way, my friends becomes like a pushing force, a point of reference to my own skill rather than a symbol of my own failure to be great at something.

Well, I’m going to end it right here, this post turned out way more personal that I thought. I hoped you still enjoyed a little glimpse of my inner thoughts though.


I mentioned my friend, Nathalie earlier. Do check out her blog here, she recently did sort of a response post to my Moana post. You can check out her response to my “hate” for Moana here.

Sadlentine’s day?

Tomorrow is Valentine’s day, a day where people celebrate love with their romantic partner. Many enjoy this day because it is a great excuse to call your partner out on a romantic date and do all kinds of lovey-dovey stuff. The couples even get the benefit of having great Valentine’s day deals in restaurant, cinemas and so on.

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Valentine’s day, a day to celebrate all kind of love, mostly romantic love though.

On the other hand, we have tons of people suffering and feeling salty that they will be spending their Valentine’s alone. We also have tons of people trying hard to get a date for Valentine’s day, some succeed in doing so, some failed. First of all, for those who mustered their bravery to confess and ask your crush out for Valentine’s day, bravo to you good sir / madam. No matter the outcome, you’ve done something that is way out of your comfort zone and that is amazing.

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Anyways, I’m not here to commend on your bravery for doing something like confessing your love or asking someone out. I want to try and tackle this really vague term, “love”. The meaning of love has been discussed countless of times and I’ll try my best not to dive into that.

Firstly, I don’t despise of Valentine’s day like some of the salty people out there. I think it is very nice there is a day where couples have an excuse to be extra loving with their partner and do all kinds of stuff together. This is also one of those rare days you could go tell your bros that you’ll accompany your girlfriend without getting the “bros before hoes” talk. It is a wonderful day.

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However, I think all of us focus too much on our quest for romantic love, so much so that we ignore all the love we receive on a daily basis. We really need to appreciate all the love we get from all sources. Especially love from your friends, because we have father’s day, mother’s day and even teacher’s day. We don’t have a day to celebrate your friend’s love for each other.

This is for the friend who understands you just as much as your family do, and maybe even more so.

This is for the friend who has their car run on friendship instead of gas.

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Not unless you’re a super duper good friend

This is for the friend who never let you down, and never let you go even though they found their love.

This is for the friend who care for you like a mother would.

This is for the friend who shares sick memes with you.

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This is for the friend who gives you any amount of small change you need as long as its less than RM1

For all the small gesture you guys do, it is all amazing! My life wouldn’t be the same without my amazing friends.

For those reading this, I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s day tomorrow instead of Sadlentine’s day. Stay awesome and never forget to give some love away, the world needs more heroes …. and love.

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All we need is Love, Love, Love.

The Heart and the Brain

I’m writing this at around 5.30 a.m. in the morning, so you know this post will be one of those post that will either be very random or very close to my heart. I have a feeling that this post will be the latter.

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The heart and the brain are two parts of the human that seems to resonate strongly with everyone, the logical side and the more sentimental side, the “feelz”. A lot of times, those two things don’t align. More often than not, both side are at odds with each other. Your brain may say that a particular action is the best, then your heart kicks your ass and make you feel like a shit for doing something your brain says is the best.

Personally, I want to think that I’m a very logical person that is biased to my brain as opposed to my heart. However, sometimes it feels like my day to day action is so calculated, I start to lose my humanity.

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I would like to think I’m a very logical person.

That is also one of the weird things, we as a human species seem to relate humanity with our feelings. Meanwhile, we spend years and years trying to live our days based on what we think is the best as oppose to what we feel is the best. In fact, we even improve and sharpen our brain to improve on our logical side. I may have chosen the path of being a veterinarian myself, to this day I wouldn’t say I regret it. However, I can’t say I’m particularly proud of it either, 3 years of my life seems wasted when I look back, the thing I gained seems pretty small compared to what I lost. Friends that I’ve lost due to distance, potential love interests, friend groups that expanded and grew without me, and precious time is just a few of the things I lost ….. for what? I may have gained new friends, but will they even still be around as I graduate? I may have gained new experiences, but just how useful are these experiences? I guess only time will tell whether it was all worth it.

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Basically me when I overthink shit.

The thing is, as much as we give credit to our brain for its amazing processing capabilities, it can still fail us. It may not even be our brains fault, but just the circumstances that came to be. At the end of the day, was the decision worth it? To suppress your feelings and allow only logic to dictate your next decision?

The thing that triggered me to write this post is I’ve made a decision recently that is purely on the logical end …. which may have betrayed my feelings. I just want to get it out…..

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Oh wait, this isn’t the triggered I was talking about.

I guess at the end of the day, all I want to say is. We can only make a decision and hope for the best. The world is a very funny place, surprises are in every corner. Hopefully, I’ll find it within myself to live and listen to my heart more than my brain, seems to me that I’ve been living too logically for far too long that I lost my ability to trust my gut feeling.

In fact, the last time I trusted my gut feeling, it turned out pretty well, and I can’t say I regret it at all, even though it was the wrong decision. Perhaps the saying, “Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so.” is truer than I thought.

 

Selling Happiness

Today, it seems like everywhere we look, people are selling happiness.

Buy this and you’ll be much happier!
Get this to achieve your dreams and be happy!
Do this and you’ll live happily ever after!

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#notsponsored, but totally wouldn’t mind being sponsored~

We also strive to find our own personal happiness, so all these marketing technique to sell us our happiness and dreams is pretty clever as well. We react readily to emotion instead of pure stats especially when it involves our own personal satisfaction in the long run. That is why you see most university commercial saying things like “build everlasting friendship“, “enjoy campus life” or even “chase after your dreams“. We all know for a fact those aren’t guaranteed and we could easily find similar or even better experiences outside, but apparently we’re just a sucker for those things right?

To put it simply, whatever we do now, we’re doing it so we can get a positive payoff that results in our happiness. That’s why we procrastinate in favour of short term payoff rather than doing what’s right for the long term benefits.

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Due to the combined expectation to be happy all the time, and how happiness is sold to us, and the increasing prevalence of social media allowing us to peer into other people’s lives. We now value personal happiness above all else and is stuck in the illusion that feeling down and sad is bad, and to a certain extent, abnormal. That is why we follow celebrity’s social media to see glimpse of their “perfect lives” and help us envision our very own version of our “perfect life”. We need to acknowledge that whatever we see on social media, it’s going to be only the best bit of the person’s life and is in no way a proper representation of their lives (most of the times).

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Everyone wants a house like this ~

But here’s a question, is it bad to not be happy?

We need to have a taste of bitterness to appreciate and enjoy the sweetness.
A little saltiness, sourness and spiciness can help refine our lives as well.
As they say, too much of something is never good.

Is it bad to be feeling neutral in most circumstances? We must accept the fact that our emotions are never there to stay forever, no matter how hard we want our happiness to be there forever. We can never always be happy no matter how hard we try.

When the going gets tough, we can choose to either sulk and blame the world, fate and time for it, or you can look up and trudge through it, hopefully finding a glimmer of light past all these bullshit.

While I may be writing these as if I’m telling you these stuff. In reality, I’m actually writing these for myself…. It serves as a reminder to myself that I can be “weak” once in a while as long as I stand back up and continue moving forward, as Dory from Finding Nemo says it best…. “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

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Welp, that’s all for my little rant and my 2 cents about this topic. I just felt like talking about this since a lot of Youtubers such as Pewdiepie have been talking about “false positivity” where they talk about happiness and so on.

*I am in no way a psychiatrist or a professional in counselling, nor do I claim to be, all these talk about happiness and what – not is just my own personal rambling and may not apply to you, if you really do feel like you have depression, please get it checked as soon as possible.*

Moana, the best Disney film?

I was thinking what would be my first post, and I figured I’ll talk about Moana.

This has been in me for quite some time and I just wanted to get it out.

I watched Moana in the cinemas and needless to say it was awesome. My brother decided to call it the best Disney animated film, even better than Frozen (In hindsight, it could be a hyperbole about being the “best” Disney animated film). However, I felt like I wasn’t truly invested in the movie while watching it. I felt like I was on a theme park ride instead of being actually adventuring with them. I didn’t really feel connected with Moana. She just didn’t stand out as a character to me.

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Movie was great but I didn’t really like the characters that much

There is one key difference between characters like Hiro from Big Hero 6 and Moana. The difference being there is no higher power guiding the main character. Take Hiro as an example, he never had a higher power guiding him, he had his brother and friends give him support and guidance throughout the film.

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Tadashi don’t need no gods and spirits to guide him

In fact, all of Moana’s motivation seem to be given to her instead of her own personal motivation. Her sense of adventure and exploration was explained as her “ancestral spirit” of some sort. She was also chosen by the sea spirits to return the heart of Te Fiti. During her times of trouble, she had the spirit of her grandmother guide her. None of her actions seems to directly come from herself.

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She has everything going on for her, including the entire ocean!

I’ll use Judy from Zootopia to compare with Moana. Judy is a rabbit that despite all odds, decides to be a police in the metropolitan city, Zootopia. She only had her sense of justice and hopes to push herself through the gruelling training before becoming a police. In that sense, Judy Hopps as a character is easier to relate to since many of us wants to achieve our dreams no matter how far fetched it seems. Meanwhile, Moana had the help of gods and spirits to complete her task. She was also basically “forced” into the adventure of returning the heart of Te Fiti.

You could argue that Simba from Lion King also had spirits giving him guidance during his time of trouble, and you’re definitely right. However, in my opinion Simba had a better motivation. Simba was the rightful king and felt he had the responsibility to right the wrong Scar had done. We also knew that Scar killed Simba’s father, Mufasa. So it also made us cheer on Simba, wishing he’ll go back to pride rock and deliver some sweet sweet justice to Scar. Meanwhile in Moana, I never felt like on the same team as Moana beacuse the threat of the darkness wasn’t really fleshed out at all, unlike Scar from Lion King who basically devastated Pride Rock from his rule and there’s also the fact that he killed Mufasa! (WHAT A DICK!)

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Mufasa giving Simba guidance

Speaking of the darkness, you may say “But wait, Moana had a very noble intention, which is to save her island from the darkness, that has to count for something right?” I totally agree, however the problem with this is that it wasn’t really shown throughout the film that she really cares for her island all that much.

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*GASP*

“HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!” I hear you say. But hear me out, take Judy as an example, we see that she really has a sense of justice and heart of gold over and over again. In the beginning she stood up to a couple of bullies. Then throughout the movie, she stood up to discrimination against fox, took the lost otter case and saved a mouse. We see again and again how Judy is in fact doing everything to uphold her own personal standards. Meanwhile, Moana was busy fighting an evil of higher power which we don’t really feel the threat. We never really see her love for her island besides the beginning of the movie. In fact, she was only fulfilling her responsibility as the chief’s daughter by taking care of the village. We never really see her go above and beyond. They could’ve shown more extreme emotion such as anger when something bad happens to the village, maybe they can include a short sequence of how the coconut pirate attacked and injured the villagers.

Moana as a character feels like she is only there to fulfil her responsibilities instead of actually having a character. Even one of the best songs in the movie highlights how her identity is more of a destiny than her actual character trait.

“Who am I?
I am the girl who loves my island
I’m the girl who loves the sea
It calls me

I am the daughter of the village chief
We are descended from voyagers
Who found their way across the world
They call me” – from the song “I am Moana”

Notice how her love of her island and sea is related with who her ancestors are? Her love for the island comes from the fact that she is the village chief’s daughter and her love for the sea is due to her being the descendants of voyager. If we apply the same lyrics to Judy Hopps it’ll be something like
“I deliver justice where no one is willing to
I will not let my size prevent me from achieving my dreams.
I am a police of Zootopia,
I am the first small mammal Police” – (Forgive my really bad lyric construction.)
Her identity as a person (rabbit) is built on her own motivation and hard work instead of just something she was born with.

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We see time and time again how Judy has a heart of gold throughout the movie.

All in all, Moana felt like a character that is very hard to relate to as she had higher power guiding her and she was basically forced into the circumstances. All of her actions felt like destiny instead of her own will. First, she was pushed into becoming the village chief, then she was pushed to return the heart of Te Fiti by her grandmother because she was the chosen one.

If I had to rank Moana, I’ll place it lower than Big Hero 6 and Zootopia and somewhere around where Frozen would be. I feel like everything else in Moana such as the visuals carried the movie where Moana as a character failed to capture my heart.

Hello!

Hello!

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A word that marks a beginning. A word that marks new possibilities. A word that sounds familiar.

Just like how “hello” sounds familiar, blogging is no stranger to me. I’ve been blogging on and off since form 2 (8th grade). This is my attempt to try and get myself back into blogging once more.

Just like all of my previous blogs, this will become my sanctuary for my thoughts. You may find it interesting, maybe not, but these are just an outlet for my thoughts on the various things I experience throughout the day. It could be about some news I saw, it could be about education, it could be about my favourite show.

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My blog is like my fortress of solitude, but not quite as hardcore =P

With that in mind, it means this blog will not always contain happy content. If you’d rather only see happy content, then maybe you shouldn’t follow me after all. Assuming you even find me interesting enough to follow XD.

So, to get things started, let me tell you guys a little bit about myself and what are the things you can expect from my future entries.

If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be Geek. But of course, no one can be properly described with only one word. I have interest in many many things like technology, photography, music and so much more. Those are the kind of content you could expect from me, I intend to put a little bit of me into this blog. So everything you hear here will be sincere and truthful to how I think.

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Anyways, I would rather let my future posts show you guys who I am instead of talking about it here, so I’ll stop right now. For those who know me personally, welcome to my little blog, you can hear some of my more personal thoughts about various topics that I decided not to share on social media because of reasons. For those who don’t know me personally, welcome, and I hope you have a great time browsing through my blog, hopefully you’ll learn a thing or two, or be entertained by my entries.

Amos, signing off.